Big hugs to you. I’ve had my own battles with an emotionally immature parent. It’s never easy, even into adulthood, but thank goodness we’ve got better tools than in childhood.
Powerful piece. I am in the same boat with an emotionally stunted father who manipulated and mentally abused me my entire childhood, and into adulthood. I've been processing a recent incident that crossed huge boundaries with my two year old that put her life in immediate danger and am at that "cut ties" crossroads. My most recent post is me deciphering my misbeliefs he planted and letting some of my resentment out on virtual paper, but I'm not at all in that healthier place that you are. I subscribed and am very much looking forward to more of your posts!
As someone with a mother with 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' (formerly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) this really resonates. It's not easy, is it!? Thanks for sharing!
I'm not sure my reply went through. I am fascinated by the outdated name for this, didn't know we used to call it that! My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a BPD parent and "walking on eggshells" throughout life. Men rarely get diagnosed with it, though I think many domestic abusers have some form of it.
Yes, though I do think it's possible to get to a place where I no longer hope for what could be, which I guess is more like acceptance. But new things do disrupt that (like her texting mean stuff to my daughter).
Joy, it's a very brave process when you can write about it with a sense of integration and acceptance. (Especially when it makes you cry.) It resonates with those of us who've struggled with mental illness in the our families. Thank you. 🙏
And I'm reading that book - and probably sending it to my cousins -- so thanks for that too. ❣️
Do I ever relate to this! My mother wouldn’t even tell you what she was mad about. She told everyone else, who then wouldn’t tell me in order to spare my feelings. No one held her accountable because we knew that would be the end of our relationship. She stopped speaking to one of my brothers and he is harmed by that to this day. I had to protect my kids from her, sadly.
Thank you for sharing. The accountability part is so tricky, especially if their emotional response is to get retribution (not unlike Trump might react -- I learned a lot about him via Gibson's book, too).
Joy, thank you for sharing this very vulnerable story. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I definitely have emotionally immature people in my life, including myself. 😬 I love your closing line about gathering tools yourself… I am in process as well! I know what it’s like to hide parts of myself, “be perfect” so I wouldn’t trigger a parent’s wrath. So glad you are able to communicate directly with your mom, and also teach your daughter how to handles these situations. Sending hugs ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. And wow the women who’ve commented here that can relate - including me. I’m so glad so many of us are talking about this and working to better ourselves, reparent, and leave a new legacy for future generations of girls. Brava
The Adult Children … book changed my life, and mostly because I began to realize where I was acting in the same ways, not really with my kids but in other life situations.
It’s sooo hard. I never had a book. But I recognize myself reading your earnest efforts, analysis, the constant decisions.. is it worth it? What’s best for my own kid? It’s so much $&@-ing work. They take up so much space, demand all the attention, intimacy=fighting with mine. She had to know she could get under my skin. Always sought to confirm it.
My mother-in-law is like this, and I see the effect it has on all her children (and their families). It is such a painful dynamic to navigate and even more so when grandchildren are involved. I like your point about building your own toolbox, even when they won’t do the same. Thank you for sharing.
This is so sad, especially for your child. Letting your children know you love and support them, even when other family members are challenging, is key, and it sounds like you're doing that. Wishing you the best.
Really deep and beautiful reflections here. It seems like these framings help you feel more supported within yourself and in supporting your child. I have to say the way you framed that for her is really attuned. It helps give language to something that otherwise can go unspoken or glossed over.
I still struggle to find compassion towards my mother even though she passed away 8 years ago.
My heart goes out to you!
Big hugs to you. I’ve had my own battles with an emotionally immature parent. It’s never easy, even into adulthood, but thank goodness we’ve got better tools than in childhood.
Thank you Kristi! Yes, it took a long time to get there, but I'm so glad I did.
Powerful piece. I am in the same boat with an emotionally stunted father who manipulated and mentally abused me my entire childhood, and into adulthood. I've been processing a recent incident that crossed huge boundaries with my two year old that put her life in immediate danger and am at that "cut ties" crossroads. My most recent post is me deciphering my misbeliefs he planted and letting some of my resentment out on virtual paper, but I'm not at all in that healthier place that you are. I subscribed and am very much looking forward to more of your posts!
I am SO glad I can help — and I feel your pain and confusion so deeply.
As someone with a mother with 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' (formerly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) this really resonates. It's not easy, is it!? Thanks for sharing!
I'm not sure my reply went through. I am fascinated by the outdated name for this, didn't know we used to call it that! My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a BPD parent and "walking on eggshells" throughout life. Men rarely get diagnosed with it, though I think many domestic abusers have some form of it.
Thanks for writing about this. Too often it feels isolating to admit that our relationship with our parents will never be fixable.
Yes, though I do think it's possible to get to a place where I no longer hope for what could be, which I guess is more like acceptance. But new things do disrupt that (like her texting mean stuff to my daughter).
Joy, it's a very brave process when you can write about it with a sense of integration and acceptance. (Especially when it makes you cry.) It resonates with those of us who've struggled with mental illness in the our families. Thank you. 🙏
And I'm reading that book - and probably sending it to my cousins -- so thanks for that too. ❣️
Thank you Jen! I'm so glad the book is helping.
Do I ever relate to this! My mother wouldn’t even tell you what she was mad about. She told everyone else, who then wouldn’t tell me in order to spare my feelings. No one held her accountable because we knew that would be the end of our relationship. She stopped speaking to one of my brothers and he is harmed by that to this day. I had to protect my kids from her, sadly.
Thank you for sharing. The accountability part is so tricky, especially if their emotional response is to get retribution (not unlike Trump might react -- I learned a lot about him via Gibson's book, too).
Oof, what a beautiful modeling of compassion and self-love blending you are giving your daughter. 💛
Joy, thank you for sharing this very vulnerable story. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I definitely have emotionally immature people in my life, including myself. 😬 I love your closing line about gathering tools yourself… I am in process as well! I know what it’s like to hide parts of myself, “be perfect” so I wouldn’t trigger a parent’s wrath. So glad you are able to communicate directly with your mom, and also teach your daughter how to handles these situations. Sending hugs ❤️
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story. And wow the women who’ve commented here that can relate - including me. I’m so glad so many of us are talking about this and working to better ourselves, reparent, and leave a new legacy for future generations of girls. Brava
The Adult Children … book changed my life, and mostly because I began to realize where I was acting in the same ways, not really with my kids but in other life situations.
My mother acted in exactly the same way.
It’s sooo hard. I never had a book. But I recognize myself reading your earnest efforts, analysis, the constant decisions.. is it worth it? What’s best for my own kid? It’s so much $&@-ing work. They take up so much space, demand all the attention, intimacy=fighting with mine. She had to know she could get under my skin. Always sought to confirm it.
Yes - the “is it worth it” question has been a big one at times. I do love her but she often makes it exasperating.
My mother-in-law is like this, and I see the effect it has on all her children (and their families). It is such a painful dynamic to navigate and even more so when grandchildren are involved. I like your point about building your own toolbox, even when they won’t do the same. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading! If your spouse hasn’t read Gibson’s book, I can’t recommend it enough.
This is so sad, especially for your child. Letting your children know you love and support them, even when other family members are challenging, is key, and it sounds like you're doing that. Wishing you the best.
Yes, it's so tricky to be sandwiched in between and navigating this!
Really deep and beautiful reflections here. It seems like these framings help you feel more supported within yourself and in supporting your child. I have to say the way you framed that for her is really attuned. It helps give language to something that otherwise can go unspoken or glossed over.
Thank you--taking a beat before responding always helps, right? Gives me time to remember the framing.