It's so very difficult setting boundaries with unwell parents, but it must be done for our sanity. I love that reframe you gave: what if I regret sacrificing my own happiness? that's what it took for me. I was spending so much time recovering from interactions with my mother that I had to make some very difficult choices. interestingly enough, as soon as I did, I started my blog. It's like finally I had enough creative energy to build my own life rather than protect myself from the one I came from. Thanks for talking about these delicate situations.
Thank you for this Joy. I had to learn this with my mother as well. It took decades, but again, the questions, "do I want to sacrifice myself for no boundaries?" "do I want my children to believe that boundaries are dangerous rather than healing?"
Love the reframe here. I've spoken with friends about regretting spending so much time and energy on a toxic relationship. Boundaries are sometimes the best choice in a bunch of shitty ones.
Setting boundaries is important in normal families and in dysfunctional families such as sharing space on the planet with my alcoholic parents. It's the only way to stay sane. Great story.
Gosh I'm so in the shit with this right now (pardon my French). I never set boundaries with my father and this summer it led to my 2 year old being in mortal danger and my 6 year old had to save her. My mother is still married to him but there is zero love. She is just too scared to make a big change in her life and potentially lose all her stuff in a divorce. The problem is my mom is my best friend and very involved in my kids lives. I had to set boundaries that my kids will not be in her house on evenings or weekends when my dad is there. I have told my dad he cannot see my kids without me there and I do not want to be around him until I can piece out my trauma and be around him without being mean or defensive. I'm dealing with guilt and indecision because I kinda had to give my mom an ultimatum to make a move to get away from him or she won't be able to see my kids as much. My therapist and my husband both think I need to offer my father a way back into my kids lives, but I don't know what that looks like. He's an alcoholic and smokes weed which makes him performative and obsessive and unsafe, but when he's sober he's mean and hateful and abusive. So I don't know what the way back looks like or if I even should.
Long story short, what did you do after this boundary with your mom? What was her way back? What continual boundaries did you set? How does that relationship work day to day?
Thank you for sharing -- I've written a whole book (that I'm revising) about this...so all great questions, and I may touch on this topic some more in a future post.
I'm so sorry about your father. I disagree with what your therapist/husband have told you -- I am of the mindset that you do not owe him anything, especially not of your grandchildren.
For me, it helps that I haven't lived in the same city as them for many years -- and that I'm not best friends with the other parent. I'm sure you love your mom very much, but her actions are hurting you right now, so it might be time to take some distance from her too. (But keep in mind that I can't fathom a life with my mother as my BFF.) You need to do what's best for you, not her.
I do not talk on the phone with my mother, and I do not initiate text/email conversations with her. I do see her every few months when we drive down to visit. The last time was a bit of a disaster (see my previous post on emotionally immature mothers) so I'm spacing out my next visit.
Difficult yet excellent choice.
It's so very difficult setting boundaries with unwell parents, but it must be done for our sanity. I love that reframe you gave: what if I regret sacrificing my own happiness? that's what it took for me. I was spending so much time recovering from interactions with my mother that I had to make some very difficult choices. interestingly enough, as soon as I did, I started my blog. It's like finally I had enough creative energy to build my own life rather than protect myself from the one I came from. Thanks for talking about these delicate situations.
Thank you for this Joy. I had to learn this with my mother as well. It took decades, but again, the questions, "do I want to sacrifice myself for no boundaries?" "do I want my children to believe that boundaries are dangerous rather than healing?"
Love the reframe here. I've spoken with friends about regretting spending so much time and energy on a toxic relationship. Boundaries are sometimes the best choice in a bunch of shitty ones.
That is an excellent point -- there is often no clear best choice of action and it can be easy to get caught in the loop of that.
I love this. Setting boundaries is so hard, but we have to choose to take care of ourselves first.❤️
As a female, it's harder to set boundaries, I think. I never really learned how to do it well. Best of luck in your learning process.
Setting boundaries is important in normal families and in dysfunctional families such as sharing space on the planet with my alcoholic parents. It's the only way to stay sane. Great story.
Gosh I'm so in the shit with this right now (pardon my French). I never set boundaries with my father and this summer it led to my 2 year old being in mortal danger and my 6 year old had to save her. My mother is still married to him but there is zero love. She is just too scared to make a big change in her life and potentially lose all her stuff in a divorce. The problem is my mom is my best friend and very involved in my kids lives. I had to set boundaries that my kids will not be in her house on evenings or weekends when my dad is there. I have told my dad he cannot see my kids without me there and I do not want to be around him until I can piece out my trauma and be around him without being mean or defensive. I'm dealing with guilt and indecision because I kinda had to give my mom an ultimatum to make a move to get away from him or she won't be able to see my kids as much. My therapist and my husband both think I need to offer my father a way back into my kids lives, but I don't know what that looks like. He's an alcoholic and smokes weed which makes him performative and obsessive and unsafe, but when he's sober he's mean and hateful and abusive. So I don't know what the way back looks like or if I even should.
Long story short, what did you do after this boundary with your mom? What was her way back? What continual boundaries did you set? How does that relationship work day to day?
Thank you for sharing -- I've written a whole book (that I'm revising) about this...so all great questions, and I may touch on this topic some more in a future post.
I'm so sorry about your father. I disagree with what your therapist/husband have told you -- I am of the mindset that you do not owe him anything, especially not of your grandchildren.
For me, it helps that I haven't lived in the same city as them for many years -- and that I'm not best friends with the other parent. I'm sure you love your mom very much, but her actions are hurting you right now, so it might be time to take some distance from her too. (But keep in mind that I can't fathom a life with my mother as my BFF.) You need to do what's best for you, not her.
I do not talk on the phone with my mother, and I do not initiate text/email conversations with her. I do see her every few months when we drive down to visit. The last time was a bit of a disaster (see my previous post on emotionally immature mothers) so I'm spacing out my next visit.
I appreciate your time in responding with your experience! I very much look forward to your book once it hits shelves.
Setting boundaries isn’t really for them. It’s for you.
For sure - it can just be hard to shift into that mode after living life enmeshed.